5 Life Lessons that I’ve Learned from Having a Toxic Uncle Who’s Basically an Asshole

Since the title might sound controversial for some of you, let me put a disclaimer here: this one is a really personal post. And despite the fact that I’m trying my best to bottle up my emotion, I decided to just write a post about it as some kind of therapy. So, here we go!

First of all, I rarely talk about my family. I mean, I know a lot of people who would share their some kind of picture-perfect family portrait during holiday seasons. Be it during Christmas or Idul Fitri around here, some people even customized some matching outfits with the rest of the family to get a perfect family picture during the time.

Well, in case you haven’t noticed that… I’m not that kind of person. Holiday seasons for me are just another day, the only difference is that many people come and go to my house for a visit.

Plus, I’ve got a super big family that I just can’t keep up anymore. And I don’t even bother pretending that I’m impressed by the connection we’ve shared through our ancestors. The only reason why I’ve been trying to behave myself is because of my parents.

5 Life Lessons that I've Learned from Having a Toxic Uncle Who's Basically an Asshole - The BeauTraveler

What Triggers Me to Write This Post

Well, some of you might come across to one of the posts that I published covering a hostel in Bandung some time last year. FYI, this hostel has been managed by my uncle ever since the founder passed away a couple of days ago. Well, the uncle that I’m referring to on this post, the asshole, is the same uncle managing that hostel.

You know what? Even for the latter post, I was hesitant when I got invited to stay at the hostel for one night. Why? Because honestly, I don’t like this uncle of mine.

A Little Story Behind the Closed Door Between Me and My Uncle

We’re not a very close relative, yet he acts like we have the tightest bonding ever. I never like his energy around me, but then I ended up helping him for exposure and some business in his hostel because of my dad. Yes, that’s the only reason why I wrote a review for the hostel. Because my Dad asked me to do it. And I have the most respect to my Dad.

What I didn’t tell you in the post about the hostel is that this uncle of mine, he tried to interfere with my family’s business when I stayed there. I went to the hostel with my brother, and when he was off to bed, my uncle invited me to the rooftop only to talk shit about my dad and my brother.

He told me that my dad should have gotten more friends, and what’s the use of my brother without having a degree. I was fucking furious, but I couldn’t say anything because part of me knows that I’d snap if I let my emotion go. And part of me was trying to handle my emotion out of respect, particularly to my dad as he’s got the most zen in the world.

Source: Pxhere.

What Recently Just Happened in My House

That, until my uncle got sick and for some reason that no one understands, he chose my fucking house as the shelter. I tried to be considerate as frankly speaking, I suppose he’s dying.

But, I could no longer bottle up my anger when I was in Jakarta last week and my brother told me that my family got kicked out of the house as my uncle had a therapy session that required peace and silence.

I swear to God that I had never been that angry before as I was texting my brother while shivering with anger. My family doesn’t deserve this. Especially not by this fucking toxic person to whom I hesitantly call uncle.

By the time I got back to Bandung, I came to my Dad crying because not only that I couldn’t get rid of the memory of him shit talking about my dad and my brother back then, but also the fact that he treats my family like shit even in his deathbed.

I understand my dad’s situation in that case. Quite dilemmatic, as he probably doesn’t want to murder my uncle with his words. But I’m glad that I could finally share my thoughts and feelings to my family, so at least I know that I’m not the only one who has angered with the situation.

Everyone doesn’t like my uncle’s existence around the house. It’s just that no one talks out loud as he’s dying.

Things I’ve Learned from Having a Toxic Uncle Who’s Also an Asshole

As I previously mentioned, my Dad actually has the most zen in the world. It’s rare to see him angry, but once he gets angry… You know that some loads of shit actually happened.

Even when I told him the story about my uncle talking shit about him and my brother, he said some unthinkable thing, “Don’t take it personally, I wouldn’t mind him telling you that I have no friend. I know myself more than he does.”

Well, it’s a matter of perspective. Especially in this part of the world where people glorify the extroverts. But when the same person talking shit about my dad ended up staying in my fucking house when he’s dying and still treating my family like shit, as harsh as I could be… You better off dead, dude!

Source: Pxhere.

The good thing is that despite all the negatives coming from the recent event, there are some lessons learned from this situation. Things that hopefully could make me a better person.

1. It’s better to be rude than be passive-aggressive.

You know what? I live by example, and I know what kind of person I don’t want to be by looking at how people live and treat their surroundings.

I’ve been raised by people who dare to dream and speak for themselves. And I couldn’t be more thankful than that. My parents are both sarcastic, and that’s the reason why they raised a smartass woman like me. I’m happy to be me.

Some might think I’m rude, but that’s because they don’t know me at all. I might put some swearing word here and there, but it was never really my intention to hurt people.

But there goes this uncle of mine with his sweet words and all. But he’s a manipulative jerk who does everything in a way that is passive-aggressive. He tried to talk sweet when really he’s just belittling people that he thinks not in his level.

That is why he thought my dad didn’t have friends or that my brother was useless without a university degree. But guess what? I know my dad and my brother better than him. They don’t need friends to be productive. They don’t need friends to impress what they can do for others. They just do.


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I’ve learned by example to know what kind of person I don’t want to be. And I don’t want to be like my uncle. I don’t want to be like him who has to rely on others to feel entitled. I want to find happiness within myself, no matter what people think I should. And I’m glad I have my Dad as a living example.

2. There are times when the family doesn’t have anything to do with blood.

Yup, there I said it. With all the shitty things he has done to my family, I really wouldn’t mind cutting the bond with him. In fact, we’re not THAT close as a family.

I told you that I have a super big family that really forced themselves to act like they’re close to each other. The thing is, they’re still yet to learn that some of them might be toxic for the rest. Like my uncle to my family.

He’s not even uncle as in my dad’s brother. He’s just the kid of my late grandma‘s step-brother. If anything, my late grandma in his youth lived like Cinderella with her step-siblings. So, tell me again why I have to act civil towards him when his ancestor couldn’t do it to my grandma when she was alive?

If anything, I feel closer to my maid than to him as a family. Family sometimes doesn’t have anything to do with blood. It has something to do the frequency of your interaction with them and the compassion you feel toward them. And if that’s the case, I don’t want to treat him like a family.

Yes, I’m bitter and I’m not even sorry for saying it out loud.

Source: Pxhere.

3. It’s okay to stand up for yourself.

The downside of the recent event was that I wasn’t there to stand up for me and my family. My family let him do what he asked, so they had to go out of the house for a while.

But I swear to God, if that happened again when I’m there, I would fucking snap. Because he deserves it. Who does he think he is?

After talking shit about my dad and my brother, now that he’s sick and dying, he’s living with comfort in our house instead of plenty of friends he was proud of when he was well and alive? Give me a break.

My Slytherin side is literally waiting for that moment so I could tell it to his face.

4. Karma is not a bitch. It’s a reflection of your life in general.

One thing that I’ve learned from this situation is that sometimes the bad thing in life is not exactly a bitch. Sometimes it’s just a reflection of what you’ve done in the past.

While the situation really got me into the worst version of myself, it also came as a reminder for me to live well with compassion for myself. Don’t mind other people’s business, as we have plenty of businesses to finish first.

Source: Pxhere.

5. Everyone has their own limit. Be considerate.

For what happened recently, I’m actually quite proud of my family as they still have enough patience to deal with my uncle who’s basically an asshole. However, my uncle’s lack of consideration really fucks me up that I really want him to do shit again so that I could attack him right in front of his face.

You can’t take someone’s kindness for granted. People have their own limit, and the least thing you could do is to be more considerate. Live by it, and live it well.

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